Thursday, February 21, 2013

worst query ever

I recently entered a contest on Rachel Kent's blog for Books and Such Literary Agency to write the worst possible query letter. Here's my entry (all typos and assorted godawfulness are intentional).

Dear Mr. or Lady Agent:

I am sending this email to every agent listed in teh book, so you’d better jump on it fast before its gone. I’ve written a Major Motion Picture Screenplay. It’s gone to sell more books than the Bible and make me more famous than Jesus Christ, so I know I’ll need a literary agent to find me a ghost writer to write the book and all it’s sequels for me. High concept, baby! I also need an editor and a copywriter to expand my treatment into a full-length screenplay, but that should be easy for someone like you to arrange.

The movie is Jack Reacher meets Downton Abbey meets Twilight meets those elves from the Hobbit meets a bunch of chick lit writers in long dresses, with a Beethoven or Mozart (some old guys in wigs or something) soundtrack, along with a bunch of stuff about drugs and I think traffic violations, with aliens (from space and the South of the Border kind. My movie is called A Hard Day to Dye the Ring Before Breaking the Bad Dawn of Northanger 51 in 61 Hours in the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth. We need to jump on this fast before any of the stars I’ve picked out get any older or O.D. (you know who I’m talking about, bet you partied with them back in the day, LOL) as the movie is going to be timeless! Serious money, honey, freakin’ serious cashola!

You just have to sign and notarize the enclosed release before I give you my treatment (can never be too careful, this idea is GOLDEN and I don’t want any hack writers getting their grubby mitts on it and stealing all my hard work. I went on a three day jet-fueled bender {you know ;0) ] to get all this done, and those are precious hours I’m never getting back.

As a sign of your serious intent and commitment to my art, please also send me a check for $50,000 as a retainer so you can become my agent. Once it clears, the treatment and Hollywood RIches are yours. Oh, also send me your Fedex account number so you can pay for me to overnight my hand-written treatment to you. It’ s on alot of wet cocktail napkins, and you know how wait adds up. I can’t pay for anything myself, as I have to save up for plastic surgery so I can get a bunch of implants and teeth and stuff and get my deviated septum fixed for all my red carpet and talk show appearances. You might want to forward a copy of this to Oprah too (all you media people know each other am I right?) so she can clear her schedule for a two day special on me, like Lance but without all of his short cuts)). We should get Roman Polanski to direct, he’s such a heavy Hollyweird player he’ll no all the good locations to shoot at in California. I also sent you twenty attachments of pictures of hot movie stars who will be lining up to date me once the movie and books come out.

If my check does not arrive within forty-eight hours, I’ll just show up at your house to collect it. I noticed you always take the same route home from the office; you better not do that when you’re carrying a copy of my future screenplay as I’d hate for any kind of freak accident to happen to you. 

P.S> Send me some bubbly while yo9u’re at it, only the good stuff,----...don’t be cheap with your cash cow: so we can toast my success and you’re lucky day! I already pushed some awesome gas station sushi and a hot dog and a Shushee through your mail slot. Don't let anyone else grab my presents to you cause Im definitely the jealous type, ha-ha!

A. S. Talker

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